Ok. Let me start off saying that I am
not currently pregnant.
Let me continue to say that I
thought I was pregnant.
This past week has been a crazy roller coaster of emotions.
All week I was 98% sure I was pregnant. I wanted to wait one more day before I took a test. Sure enough the day I was going to take the test it turns out I'm not pregnant. I was just a couple of days late. I had all the symptoms though. I'm normally very good at knowing I'm pregnant without taking a test. I was wrong this time.
When I get pregnant or even think I'm pregnant I become very excited. Excited for the possibilities and what's to come. This time around though I had some nagging thoughts that also popped up. Thoughts that I have never experienced before. Thoughts that I am ashamed to admit that I actually had.
I had slight thoughts of disappointment and fear. I am absolutely appalled and embarrassed to admit this. . I love my children, I love being pregnant, and I plan on having as many children as God sends me. How could I possibly have any thoughts of non-excitement at the prospect of being pregnant again?
Let me explain what exactly was causing me to think these thoughts. For the past 8 months I've been focused on myself 100%. I've been working so hard to lose weight and to become healthy. One of the main reasons I am doing this for myself is because I wanted to be in a much healthier state of life before I become pregnant again. I wanted to be much closer to my goal weight. I wanted to be so good with my food choices, that the next time I become pregnant my food choices would be a no brainer. In the past I would eat so unhealthy when pregnant. I wanted to have a great handle on my food problems. I wanted to be at a much healthier weight. I wanted to be much more active.
I'm still so far off from where I want to be before I become pregnant again. I've lost almost 30 lbs. and I'm not done. My stamina has gotten much better but still needs a lot of work. My food choices have been slowly getting better although I've fallen a few times.
Because of these reasons I felt a twinge of disappointment when I had the feeling I was pregnant. To me, this is the most horrible thing a woman could possibly feel when she might be pregnant. Although being as healthy as I can be before I become pregnant again is a good goal to have, I feel that my reasons for disappointment are horribly selfish. It is not fair to the child I might have been carrying. No mother should ever feel disappointment in having a child. I feel awful for thinking these thoughts.
Let me be clear. I was incredibly excited at the possibility of having another child. This excitement far outweighed any negative thoughts. When I discovered I was in fact not pregnant, I cried. I was very disappointed. The fact that I had any kind of negative thoughts makes me sick. Why am I telling the world something I'm so ashamed of? Well because there is a lesson to be learned here.
The lesson is that I need to step up my game. I need to get to where I need to be. I need to up the activity. I need to make good food choices with no more falling off the wagon. I need become healthy. I need to do this so that when I do become pregnant again I will be where I should be physically and mentally for the sake of my unborn child to be. When I become pregnant again I want to be doubled over in joy. I don't want any kind of negative thoughts in my mind. It's time to get serious and very very focused. It's time to get my crap together not just for myself, my husband, and my current children but also for any child I may have in the future.
