Me Time...

One of the biggest culprits of my bad habits are from what I have turned "me time" into.  I love my "me time".  Everyone needs an amount of "me time" otherwise we'd all go crazy.  I've come to enjoy what I would do to relax and just "veg".  Unfortunately, what I do is my biggest enemy.

My "me time" would consist of me coming home after work (roughly 1:30am) with a big bag of McDonald's and watch 2-3 shows on Netflix.  It's quite enjoyable.  I get to catch up on my shows.  I get to eat some food that I enjoy.  Then I go to bed.

So.....as you can see I need no explanation as to why I am where I am.  There are so many things wrong with what I would do at night after work.  We could pick this apart piece by piece and point out the errors of my ways.  It's pretty obvious what the problem is.

I need to re-think my "me time".

The obvious steps to get started would be:

• Go to bed as soon as I can to get the most sleep I can before my morning must begin

• I work until 1:00am so going to bed before 1:30am is unfortunately not possible.  However, there is a big difference between going to bed at 1:30am vs. 3:30am because of wasting time on TV shows.

• Ditch the fast food.  Ditch any food before bed.

• Pretty self-explanatory.  Don't buy McDonald's, EVER.  To add to it more though, is that I shouldn't eat anything that close to bed time.  I've heard you're supposed to stop eating at 8pm but that's not realistic with my work schedule.  Mainly because my dinner break is at 8pm.  I can however stop eating 2-3 hours before I go to bed.  This could most definitely help with any acid reflux, insomnia, apnea, digestive, etc.  There are a lot of benefits to not eating before bed. 

These steps aren't all that hard to follow.  Just drive straight home, change into my pj's and call it a night.  This will do me so much good!  There is a problem though.  How do I get my "me time".  Hmmm...let me think about it a second.  I want to give up the bad habits but I don't want to give up the time I need to just recharge.  What to do, what to do...

Wait a second.  I have kids in school all morning.  What have I done with that time all year?  Sleep.  I would sleep because I would stay up late all the time watching tv and not sleeping well because my stomach was full of poisonous fast food.

So here's a thought.  How about I make sure I go to bed and instead of going back to bed after the kids go to school I take advantage of the time I'm home by myself?  Kind of a no brainer right?

Well I could take this time I'm home without the kids and watch tv right?  Well that wouldn't be very productive would it?  I love watching TV and whatnot but I need to get off of that couch!  I need to re-think what I want my "me time" to be.  I know it should be something active and/or productive.

Time to re-think and change things.  Like I've said before, there are no more do-overs.  

No more...

I've been attempting to kick my terrible habits/addictions for a very long time.  It's been the same game of starting, going strong, temptation, give into temptation, what the heck I already cheated, all the way to forget about it.

It's been one do over after do over.  I need to change this pattern.

I am out of do overs.  That's what I'm going to say.  No more do overs.  This is it, this is now.  I have to succeed.  I can't fail this time.  I have too many people counting on me.  I can't continue down this path.  I'm getting older (sob).  It's not going to get easier.  I have to stop this before it's too late.

Now that is not to say that I will slip up at some point.  That is not to say that I won't have a bad day.  This will most likely happen.  I have birthdays coming up, I have holidays.  It's going to happen.

What I need to NOT happen is to allow a singular cheat or a bad day to snowball.  In the past I would cheat or have a bad day entirely and it would just snowball into "well I already cheated this much".  I even had a time when I was being active with my workouts and I actually said to myself that "this cheat is ok, I'll work it off tomorrow".  Yeah it was that ridiculous.  I'm the queen of excuses.

This time if I fall of the wagon, I need to get right back on again.  No more days or weeks or months of cheating because my hard work had already been undone.  I cannot do it over.  If I have a bad day or a cheat I have to make sure I get right back into it with no delay.

This is my plan.  This is my now.  I have no other choices. No more do overs.

I'm back?

Well, it's been almost 2 years since I've used this blog.  It's a shame really.  When I used this it really helped me stay on track.  I can't exactly pin point when and why I stopped using this blog for my health journey, and I can't explain why I stopped my healthy lifestyle all together.  I look back on it now and it's quite disappointing.  I was going so strong and doing so well.  I lost over 30 lbs.  I was almost halfway to my goal weight.  I was much healthier.  My aches and pains were going away.

Like I said I can't quite pin point why I stopped.  I have a lot of different excuses and ideas but I don't need to get into all of that.

Recently I was dealt a blow that I was not prepared for, and took quite hard.  It took a toll on me.  I wasn't in a dangerous place mentally but I was in a VERY unmotivated state.  I slept too much.  I ate too much.  I was not active at all.  I gained a lot of weight.

I recognize now that this is not the way to live.  I need to snap out of it.  I need to let go of my anger and my sorrow.  I need to flip that switch and finally accept it.  I need to start living life again.  I need to start making every day matter.  I need to stop just making it through.  My kids and husband deserve better than that.  I deserve better than that.

My cousin is involved in a health challenge for February.  I decided to take advantage of this challenge and use it to help kick start my healthy life again.  I haven't started off strong.  But I'm slowly getting a plan in place.  I'm slowly starting to get excited.  I'm slowly getting to where I need to be mentally.  Just like how I was two years ago when I was so strong.

I'm going to start utilizing this blog more.  I think I might even start the video posts as well (maybe).  It's time to get back on track.  It's time to stop standing still.

My Mr.

Let me take a moment to talk about my Mr.  He likes his life private so you won't see his name or a picture.  However, he never said I couldn't talk about him! Hehehe!

This man has been my rock for many years now.  This July we will be celebrating 7 years of marriage and 12 years of being a couple (awwww! Mushy gushy!).  He's been strong for me through it all.  He's my calm.  He's my common sense.  He's my "dang Cecily you're crazy and you need to calm down" voice of reason!

Over this last year during my new healthy lifestyle journey he's been supporting me 100%.  I've attempted this lifestyle change so many times over the years you'd think he would be jaded by now.  I can't count how many times I've told him "Honey, don't buy me any more pop or sugary junk food, I'm eating healthy now"; only to send him to the store and expect him to bring back some diet pop, or me coming home late after work with a big bag of fast food.  So I can only imagine what's going on in his head when I bring up joining Boot Camp.

Well like the amazing  person that he is, instead of having a reaction like "here we go again" he has pushed me and supported me all through it.  He is 100% behind me in this.  Sundays are our days the entire family can actually spend a whole day together without someone in school, or mom/dad working.  Boot Camp class is 2-2.5 hours at night on Sundays.  I feel guilty leaving my family to take care of myself.  However, he qualms that guilt that I have.  He reassures me that everyone will be find while I go work on myself.  He understands how important this is and what an opportunity it is.  He knows that now is the time and he is going to make sure I do it!

Not only does he make sure I don't have my usual guilty feelings for leaving, he helps me wake up in the morning.  He always asks how my workouts are.  He has seen me be an emotional wreck and he always asks to make sure I'm ok.  The days I feel especially broken or guilty his response: "We'll push through it".

So I just wanted to put this out there.  It's so important to have personal drive and goals and determination, but it makes it a whole lot easier if you have a great support system like I do.  I love my Mr. and would be lost without him!  Thanks for always having my back no matter what crazy ideas I may jump into especially during these next few weeks of hard work!!!

This has been one of our songs ever since we first met.  

 

Week 1

Week 1 of Boot Camp is complete.  Throughout this first week I have discovered 2 things.  One, I love it.  I love the workouts that Tricia has planned for us.  I've been very careful with my eating and making sure I protein it up before a workout.  My workouts end with me soaking wet with sweat...gross I know but hey that's a good thing!  Secondly, it is a big mental game for me.  Last Sunday night we did a lot of toning work and my body just didn't want to do it.  My arms were shaking, my stomach muscles were screaming.  I started to cry.  Hopefully I'm not the first to do that, haha!  I was so ashamed of the fact that I felt I couldn't do some of the exercises.  I was ashamed of how out of shape I am.  I pushed through it, I cried through it (although I hid it because I hate crying in front of people).  I came out on top a stronger person...mentally.  In time I will be stronger physically.  We all know how great Friday went...cough...NOT...cough...If you're unsure what I mean by that please read yesterday's post titled "Well That Sucked"...ha!

After a full week of early morning workouts, mental battles, and shear exhaustion mentally and physically this is what I've decided.  I've decided to KEEP GOING!  It's been hard and the mental aspect has been especially difficult.  I have high expectations in myself and I tend to disappoint myself.  However, I don't regret trying.  As the saying goes "the only workout you regret is the one you didn't do".  I missed a couple of days because of work or other various reasons...don't worry they are good reasons I missed.  We are onto week 2 now.  Here's hoping for a better week mentally.  My workouts will only get better as I get stronger.

I've been very good with my eating.  Yesterday I was at work until 6am and there was a big box of donuts at work screaming my name...Donuts are my weakness.  I love donuts.  I could live on donuts.  Ahhh donuts....yum.  I resisted!  I am not going to put this much effort into boot camp and myself to screw it up because of some sweet cakey crap.  I've been working to hard to even allow myself a little cheat.  I've been in ketosis, which means I'm burning fat.  Why would I want to work my tail off, spend days burning fat, and then undo it all only for some food that might actually kill me in the end?  How's that for a good way to look at junk food?  Donuts? No thank you, I don't want to die! Truth!

So here's a toast to week 1, as difficult as you were and no matter how many times you made me cry.  I came out stronger.  I will get better.  This is not over!  Week 2 I'm looking at you.  I'm coming at you with a vengeance!  I will conquer this mental game!  I will succeed in these workouts!  I WILL win!

Well That Sucked...

This post is not a pity party...or me asking for sympathy.  This post is just me being able to express how I'm feeling today.  So don't take any worry.  I'll be fine, I always am.  That being said...

I'm feeling very defeated today.  I went to Boot Camp this morning and it was not good.  I knew it wasn't going to be a good one as soon as I heard the alarm go off.  I hit snooze like I always do but I ended up sleeping past when I wanted to.  I wasn't late but I was rushed.  I do not like feeling rushed first thing in the morning.  Also this was the first day of Boot Camp that I struggled to get up and out the door.

I struggled the entire class.  I felt like puking 3 times.  I felt faint 4 times.  Had tunnel vision 3 times, which is my body's signal to me that I'm going to faint if I don't get some fresh air...or oxygen...or something.  I felt claustrophobic the whole time.  I felt like I just couldn't get enough oxygen in my lungs.  On top of that I am experience what women experience every month.  When that happens my cramping actually goes to my thighs which makes moving quickly very difficult.  My legs feel like a billion pounds.  I had to sit out an entire song to avoid fainting.  Every other song I half-arsed it because of various reasons I have listed above.

I don't know about other people but when I do bad in a workout I feel disappointment in myself.  I feel defeated.  Instead of feeling empowered and try to push through a bad workout...I feel as if I'm a failure and just want to throw in the towel.  Everyone else in class was doing so well.  There are people older than me, or bigger than me, or going through chemo for crying out loud.  I couldn't keep up with any of them.  I wasn't just upset with myself for stinking so bad today but I honestly felt like I was dragging everyone down with me.  I felt like I was in the way.  I wanted to hide from my coach.  I didn't want her to see me struggling so much.  I didn't want to disappoint her or anyone.

After class Facebook was flooded with posts from other members offering such great positive outlooks and support.  Everyone else did so great in class and many expressed how amazing they felt after the class.  One post I saw reads: "I am so impressed by the new group of recruits! You girls are incredible!...you newer campers are every bit as strong and motivated!"  I saw this post and was like "you obviously didn't see me in class."  I didn't feel amazing after class like I usually do; I wanted to crawl up into a ball and cry.  In fact, my husband saw how I was feeling and he let me sleep the day away, literally (he's amazing!).

Ugh.  What makes it even worse is that this is only week 1.  Things have to get better right?  I don't know why I struggled so much today.  I've been going strong all week.  I was strong and positive.  I looked forward to the next workout.  Today I just want to...well, I guess this picture says it all.

Ok.  Depressing rant is over.  Tomorrow is a new day.  I teach Bokwa which always puts me in good spirits.  Here's hoping that I can get over myself or whatever my issues are.  I have 5 more weeks of this and it can only get better...right?